Friday
Jan082010

WHO THE BLOODY HELL IS DENISE GOLD?

 

Denise's Live Show Porn Funk intro - Written & recorded by Jason Winn & Matt Gaudry 2009. 

A MOUTHFUL OF DENISE

"From the Coalfields of the Hunter Valley to Miss Newcastle Showgirl 1985 (2nd Runner Up) there is no-one on this planet quite like our Ms Denise Gold!"  (Cherry Holden, Denise Gold Industries, unpaid PA to Ms Denise Gold.)

Denise was first seen in the back of the aeroplane, carefully examining an air sickness bag head first in the background of the Aeroplane Jelly ad. She's just returned from Beef Week where the locals gave her a guard of honour with raised Gold XXXX beer cans & barbecued chops, held up like swords...by jingo you don't see that everyday! And if she looks familiar, yes, her hand was also featured on the Milton Bradley box of the game Mousetrap...shot on a 50mm Carl Zeiss lens with an aperture of f/1.8...it's only JUST out of focus...but if you could see her face she's smiling! She'd just watched Simon, the primary boy model for the American box artwork get his finger snapped in the sprung wire...golden memories...

This is the hors d'oeuvres version of Denise's story...read the long & fame packed all-you-can-eat smorgasbord below if you have a few minutes while your hair curler warms up.

 

Denise's Live Show Lounge intro - Written & recorded by Jason Winn & Matt Gaudry 2009. Vocals sung by Jason Winn.

A GUTFUL OF DENISE (get your Mylanta ready)

Denise Gold was born in King George V Hospital, Camperdown, Sydney when her mother Mary's waters broke on an unplanned trip to Kings Cross from Abermain, NSW. Mary's friend Beverley, who was earning a nice little living at The Pink Pussycat, needed some help sanding some cupboards & being ever the trooper, Mary took the bus to Sydney with a book of Women's Weekly crosswords, her toilet doll knitting nylon & an orbital sander in her handbag. Needing more leverage than her weakened wrists (due to Carpal Tunnel Syndrome) could muster, Mary used her enceinte belly to push the carburundum against the timber. She worked for an hour, sweating like a pig until she felt a strange 'pop' & got knickers that, as she told Denise later, "felt like the Murray-Darling had broken its banks & found my Cottontails."

Denise's fame was written in the stars when she was born next to Julian McMachon, the Prime Minister's son. Many's the time the Gold family have pondered that if the nursing staff had swapped babies in the nursery, Denise may have ended up married to Dannii Minogue. And with news that Dannii has given birth in the last few years...well...let's just say Denise has her Golden Legal Eagle law firm at the ready.

Mary returned to the Coalfields of the Hunter Valley & from there Denise grew up in the Trail O'Gold, (a Windsor caravan with flowerpot pockets) with her & father Roald Gold...(until he was sent to Cessnock Correctional Centre for arson when Denise was 3, where he still resides). Sharing the expansive home on wheels were Aunts Rose & Golda, and various half brothers & sisters, cousins & stragglers who came & went over the years. Denise joined the Young Gaylanders as a girl & enjoyed bivouacs with Ike & Hal, who now appear to her as spiritual guides whenever she finds herself in a Branxton pickle or in need of some camp craft.

Dreaming of something more, the Golden Girl left for the bright city lights of Newcastle, NSW & was almost crowned when she attained Miss Newcastle Showgirl (Runner Up) in 1985. She nearly got accepted into June Dally-Watkins but unfortunately the waiting list extended to 2068.  Denise has written & recorded albums that should have gone GOLD, dated men who are potentially attractive & last year was awarded a very special Australia Day Award for her supportive & long term, diligent observation of Bert Newton, the AVO. 

Denise once performed with Big Dog at the Newcastle Mattara Festival, nearly got callbacks for roles in Sons & Daughters, Prisoner, The Young Doctors & many, many other Aussie soap operas. Her first album 'Golden Staph' got rave reviews in the Coalfield Chronicle & provided valuable insulation underneath her bed for years afterwards.

She met her musical partner in crime & PA Cherry Holden on a cruise ship in Phuket during her Golden Seas tour when Denise was singing on board & Cherry was in Thailand buying 'exotic' musical instruments for her import-export business, & getting a quick gender 'makeover'. 

Denise dreams of taking her show around this wide grand land of Australia, starting on the Golden Highway (just off State Highway 69) & visiting every small town that no other act will go to. If she can win the love & respect of the Aussie public, it is only a matter of time before she gets her own TV show & wins that which she covets above everything else...a Gold Logie. This will mean only ONE thing...Denise will get to finally meet the man of her dreams Bert Newton...