GOLDEN BUNKER BATMAN!

Update on Monday, March 5, 2012 by DENISE GOLD

Cherry & I are busy working on a new look for the BUNKER CARTOON GALLERY's gig this Thursday. A fantastic competition was held as part of International Womens Day & blow me down but they got over 300 entries from alllllll around the globe. Iran? Check. Spain? Check. Iceland? Not sure, but probably! Abermain? NO...but I'll be there holding the torch for the Hunter Valley as ambassador. Cherry is from Salt Ash so Port Stephens will be represented too! Oh it will be a glamorous affair!

Speaking of affairs, I can't wait to meet the past president Jules Faber. He used to frequent my website under an alias, as some gentlemen living in a caravan in Bermagui, begging me to go & visit him in his little trailer...can't recall his nom du plume...but I'm sure it was him! I also have word there is an etiquette coach in attendance. Well, I never! Perhaps I can offer her some tips from my Golden Nuggets School of Deprtment & Etiquette for the under 16s.

And another thing - I will be taking a close eye on the Grafton Jacaranda Festival details because as an ex showgirl (Newcastle Showgirl 1985 (2nd Runner Up) I find these things just fascinating. They will probably want me as a judge.

So if Thursday night you're like a shag on a rock (lucky you!) get your buns down to the Bunker Gallery to watch my PA & musical accompanist (& sometime acrobatics partner) Cherry Holden & I pop on a little show for the nice arty farty folks in the old WWII bunker! 

And if you want to watch me sit on the Big Banana Friday, say around 8am before we leave to come home, well, that's up to you.

Love, sugar cane dreams & banana paddle pops

xxx

Deniiiiise

GOLD MORNING, GOLD MOOORNING!

*tap dancing a la Singin' in the Rain*

Gold morning & a cheery how-de-do to you all on this blissfully un-hungover Sunday morning!

Those of you who follow me on Crackbook will know that I am up to Day 5 of FEBFAST - which for the uninitiated (let's face it, all my friends in the showbiz industry won't have heard of it!) is a VOLUNTARY commitment to giving up alcohol, booze, grog, the demon drink, the bottle etc...

Growing up in Abermain & being named after my mother's favourite drink, the 'Golden Gate cask'...not to mention my very namesake meaning 'Goddess of Wine'..well, let's just say it has not been easy. Luckily I am strong, determined, motivated, singularly driven & Cherry has taken my keycards, the Gold Charger keys, all glasses for drinking out of the cupboard here at Goldlands, corkscrews, bottle openers, Beroccas & pappadums away (well you need food after a few grape drinks!)

In my head I have made a Febfast Awards night where we sit in row after glamorous row of sobriety & I win the biggest award of them all - a Golden Liver on a stick...here is my acceptance speech, well...I like to be prepared. After all - if you fail to prepare, you prepare to fail!

Dear Golden Liver Givers,

Thank you for this award - it means so much - & will take pride of place next to my CONDA, my Golden Globe Artichoke, BAFTA,WAFTA, UREA, Bankstown Musical Society 'Best & Fairest', Newcastle 'Best Comedy Actress in an Amateur Production' & my Sunday School book prize on the mantle.

I can't believe I did it...I mean, I knew I could try, but never imagined I could get this far.

Congratulations to all the other contenders, you just obviously didn't have the strength, mettle or Golden Wagon to be chained & handcuffed to by an unpaid & yet to be named PA (Cherry! I'll get you for this! It's called entrapment, holding against will & conspiracy!!!)

Thank you to all of my supporters who I just know will be understanding of my mammoth weight loss. Please try & recognise me - I look the same, but instead of 27 & 3/4 I now look 26...& instead of a Samoan size 8 I am now a 6. Donations of small items of clothing would be appreciated, but please stick to my palette of gold, orange, yellow, pink & red. Sequined & spangled items...please, attach a lifelong credo to coming to handwash them for me after each usage & I will gracefully accept them. I know...I just give, & give & give...

Finally, thanks to my sponsors for all the hard work, 'phone calls, liver tonics & back rubs that you gave me during the month of February.

I love youse all,

Love, celery sticks, early morning runs to Zippity Do Dah, & big sprinkles of sober affection,

Deniiiiise

xox

PS anyone who DIDN'T donate masages etc can offer them retrograde, cheers.

GOLDEN PIG

Oink!

I'm just back from the jolly yee-haring, root tootin', beer swilling, heavy belt buckle wearing home of country music here in Australia - Tamworth! Highlight naturally was my show at the illustrious Hogsbreath Cafe in Peel St mall - honestly, I have always dreamed of performing under massive inflatable pink hog trotters & I wasn't disappointed! They loved me so much they told the other comedians not to bother coming back next year unless they brought me along! (Or something of that nature, pretty sure I heard that right!)

I was lucky enough to do to the Golden Guitar awards which as you probably know were named after me because I am so great. I was lucky enough to sit next to a woman who you have probably never heard of (I do seem to overshadow her a little but don't mean to) Beccy Cole. 

Well strap me to a trolley of liverwurst & call me stinky, but she won 2 of the heavy little suckers - one for Best Collaboration with Kasey Chambers for their song Millionaires & one for Best Female Artist! Keef Urban won Best Male Artist & his satellite thank you was just, quite frankly, embarrassing. Not for me but for his wife Nicole Kidman...he was STARING at me the whole time!

Backstage we had FUN FUN FUN & I kept myself so nice that I could be sober enough to direct Cherry how to drive us home...so if you're planning on heading to Tamworth next year don't forget to check me out...Pretty sure I'll be at a much bigger venue next year with tickets to my show about $55. But then again, maybe not.

Yee hars, love & sprinkles of XXXX Gold lager,

Deniiiiise xox

GOING BACK TO THE GOLD COUNTRY

Well strap me to a tumbleweed & call me dizzy HEY!

It's *insert rabid banjo playing here* Tamworth Country Music time! The big hands are on my waist & the little hands are on my jewel encrusted boots & yee har if'n I int getting ready for some boot scooting & clogging! And don't even GET me started on square dancing!

Miss Sandra & I have been in serious lockdown considering ALL of my options for making a splash on the red carpet Saturday 28th January. Personally, I think I look amazing in any colour & any style but she is very particular about how I look & took me to West Wallsend Workers during the week to show me what NOT to wear. Apparently muffin tops & low slung skirts showing off 'whale tails' & 'tramp stamps' are SOOOOO 2011 so I will not be using Brynne Edelstein as inspiration this year, but perhaps casting my eyes to the more modern ladies one sees out west here in Newcastle.

On a more important note, we ate lunch at the Westy Workers Club for only $6 each. Why would anyone cook at home? I had a salmon rissole, salad & a few dainty thick cut chips. With mustard sauce. And some mayonnaise. And a mere smearing of thousand island dressing. Alright, & some tartare sauce...well the condiment tray was so seductive - I carried it to the table much to Miss Sandra's mild embarrassment & went nuts trying all those flavours together!

So there you have it, in bullet points -

* I'm going to Tamworth

* I am going to look sensational

* I ate a salmon rissole for $6

Lifestyles of the rich & famous!

Toodles!

Love, heel kicking & sprinkles of gold dust

Deniiiiise xox

AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL!

DING-DONG!

Christmas is over, there goes the cheer,

Credit card statements bring in the New Year!

Hey!

Well there you have it Gold Botherers, bye-bye to 2011 & hello 2012!

2011 was a fine year for Cherry & I - we did Mardi Gras together & a few other carefully selected high quality shows & then Cherry spent the rest of the year 'on a farm'* in Thailand.

I soldiered on in true Golden style & went to New York for rest & relaxation & reflection & raging!!! I had a great time cruising the Pacific Ocean aboard Rhapsody of the Seas (a little fillim of my time on it is being edited as I dictate this blog to Cherry) & then I had lots of fun gigs & shows that brought us into the New Year. This was the Year of the Golden Rabbit in Chinese astrology & it was indeed alive & hopping!

I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who came to my shows in 2011 - I'm sure you had an even better time than I did, given you got to see ME & I only got to look at YOU but as long as it's working out for both of us who cares?

January 23rd brings us into the Year of the Dragon! Which, although Cherry is officially an Ox pretty much sounds like her when she finds the Ginger Snaps bikkie barrel empty!

Love, fireworks, new beginnings & strength for NY resolutions,

Deniiiiise

xox

* when I say farm I mean sanitarium & when I say Thailand I mean cosmetic surgery procedures...