OMGOLD!

Welcome groovers! I awoke this morning with a fiddle-de-dee & a sparkle in my eye because it's Friday...on this, the day of Frying I allow myself a little latitude with my diet & usually crank out the old cast iron skillet to get some serious calories into me. Flash Barry takes every Friday off & we like to keep our friendship alive with this culinary routine...somedays he coats the 'shrooms in egg & breadcrumbs and other days he whips up a chive omelette with extra King Island cream sprinkled liberally with a decent hard vintage cheddar. Can't you just feel your arteries crying out for a good Hoover?

Well this morning we had a sleep in & so Flash relayed to me (by way of sign language...he doesn't say much) that he thought we should go out for breakfast! Four minutes later I had on my make up, orange sequinned slippers & the fuschia coloured cheong sam Aunt Golda brought back from Singapore when she managed to tag along on a Rotary conference there in 1981. It has worn incredibly well & I always get ALOT of longing glances when I wear it.

To make a short story long, we beetled down to III Bean in Hamilton for coffee & grits...429 people were there, all queueing for take-aways, friands & a perve. Honestly, I felt like I was back in LA...no-one really consumes much food there because they are so busy snooping around to see what everyone else is doing. I stepped over the toddlers in the doorway & did what I suggest anyone who dislikes waiting in queues should do...I yodeled. I channelled Mary Schneider, the lonely goatherd AND Utah's very own Kerry Christensen in what I can only describe modestly as one of my greatest moments. Everyone shut up like one of those spaghetti westerns when a new gringo has entered through the saloon doors & without pausing my song I yodeled "a skim latte, 3 poached eggs & extra bacon with the rind left o-o-o-n!!!"

A group of cyclists who had their bikes out with them for a breakfast date were heard to say "Oh My Gold, that's Denise...can you believe that woman?" which I took as a compliment that I am a special individual & yet another sign that the world just can't get enough of me...funnily enough my food arrived within 3 minutes & they generously escorted me out soon after so I could get on with the rest of my day! 

Great service III Bean & remember - get those calories in - Winter is only a few months away!

Toodles, love & pig fat,

Deniiiiiiiise yodel-ay-he-hoo!

GOLDEN DEBUT

Morning world! I am all a-flutter with the good news that my dream has arrived...no, Bert Newton has not accepted my friend request on Crackbook, but something else, another gift is here...you see...growing up in Abermain I always felt a yearning...a longing to one day have my VERY own cabaret night. An evening of great food, show stopping tunes...just me, my synthetic fabrics & a subtle make up palette...that dream has been realised in a venue near you in downtown Hamilton, Newcastle,NSW, Australia, Earth!

If you check out my TOURS & SHOWS section you will find the details...first Monday of every month you will know in your hearts...Hey! It's Denise's Monthly!

Being a weeknight we kick off at 7 to get you fed for a 7.30pm start & you'll be in your jimmy-jams before 9.30! 

Hope to see you all there for a fun filled evening with your colleagues & friends, Bedazzled ponchos & glittered eyeshadow...as for the girls - hey - just come as you are!

Love & golden microphone 'check-1-2's' to you all..

xox Denise 

THERE'S A BRIGHT GOLDEN HAZE IN THE ME-HEADOW

Sing it with me!

Oh what a beautiful mor-hning!

Oh what a bewdiful dayyyyy...

I've got the funniest fee-healing,

Everything's going my wayyyy.

Good morning Goldmembers - I don't know exactly where you are geographically but let me tell you - here at Goldlands, nestled in a little slice of heaven in Newcastle, NSW the sky is blue, the birds are tweeting on cue (real warbles like, not with little avian websliders) & my neighbour Al next door is talking loudly on his dog & bone to a friend with his usual loud laughs & guffaws. Life is merry indeed. My other neighbour Ron (he, of the large satin boxers with 'ker-boom' all over them & hung on the Hills Hoist at top sail so the whole surrounds could use them as a ship's flag to aid a lighthouse) has wandered out to his convenience (the backyard dunny) & whistled as he went. At 95 he is doing well to live on his own & what he can't do with a weeding fork is nobody's business! He might need to empty his bladder 49 times a day but Ron still finds something to live for, even if it's eradicating his nature strip of 'wet-the-beds' (no pun intended, but loving myself sick for the happy accident...whoops there I go again!)

The Golden Thought for today is this my friends...if you could have this one day as your last...would you spend it worrying & fretting over your problems? Or would you submit to the day with an open heart that greets everything with a song? I like to find a tune for every occasion...in fact I call it 'doin' the Golden Prozac', it's a verb...

So before you go about your day just remember my dear old Dad Roald Gold's words to me when I was fretting over losing my bus money en route to an AC-DC concert in 1983:

"Denise...worrying is like rocking on a rocking chair - it gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere..."

Some say that having lived in Cessnock Correctional Centre for 30 years he actually is OFF his rocker, but I think there's still something in it for all of us...

Big golden rays of sunshine to you all on this bonny day,

Love from, Denise Patricia Siobhan Kylie Beryl Petunia Gold

xox

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!

It's my dear old Dad Roald Gold's birthday folks. He's 65 today & I think he's looking back on his life with some regrets. He says if he wasn't in the Big House he'd be free to go on the pension & let it all hang out at the Criterion Hotel in Weston which is more fun than it sounds given the waitresses & barmaids are topless. Aunt Golda did a few shifts there but her 'funbags' kept dropping into the bain marie of Beef Stroganoff so they asked her to leave, or at the very least put a bra on...but the Gold family is big on pride & Golda said she could pop them on her shoulders or not at all! They weren't keen on this idea & fired her on the spot, which Aunt Rose was fine with as she needed help entering competitions.

My mother Mary made him this cake with freckles which I think is particularly lovely given they had an acrimonious divorce 5 years after he went into gaol (which was 1980)...she said she just couldn't take the loneliness anymore & anyway, Duncan O'Malley the milkman had been giving her some extra attention & she wanted to be free to leave her extra bottles out if she wanted. I'm heading to the Cessnock Correctional Centre after Cherry has given me my shiatsu to deliver it to him...

Happy Birthday Dad! I hope Mum hasn't put laxatives in the cake like last year!

Your doting & dutiful daughter, Deniiiiiise

xox

GOLDEN ARCHES ON WHEELS

Happy VD everyone!

Yes, it's Valentines Day again...was it only two glorious years ago that I had my show Heart O'Gold at The Royal Exchange? Cherry & I were launching DENISE'S GOLDEN TRIANGLE LOVE & MATCHMAKING AGENCY & I have to say, it has gone from strength to strength. True to my word of being non-secular, non-denominational, non-stick & non-stop I can report that many men who we have been unable to find suitable dates for at the agency (20- 35 with tanned nubile bodies, nipple rings & abs like a bagful of puppies) have successfully & happily enjoyed a date with me. It's the very LEAST I can do...

The 40 - 75 year olds with halitosis, COPD, dickie tickers & a sagging verandah over the playpen have found joy with Cherry when she has taken them out to such fun events as bingo, lawn bowls & a walk on the beach. I know, I just give & give & give...but Cherry doesn't mind & says they often give her good tips on the gee-gees & the cheapest pharmaceutical distributors in town.

It was also 2 years ago at this Heart O'Gold gig that I met Flash Barry. Our lighting tree was flickering like an epileptic watching the Gracelands Chrissie light display at Belmont when a man walked in wearing a head torch & cycling lycra. It was Flash Barry en route home from a mountainbike bash in the bush (& try saying that after a few Parfait Amour & lemonades!) who had seen the electrical problem & come to save the day.

Today to celebrate we went for a bicycle ride along the Foreshore & Wickham Marina where we saw many lovers holding hands, seasoned partners strolling with a relaxed familiarity & a lovely young chap riding his Mongoose solo without a helmet, eating a Big Mac as he went, clutching his brown paper McDonalds bag to the handlebars. I thought to myself...now THAT is true love...

Hope you've all had a lovely day whether you're partnered, single or looking to upgrade!

Love & romantic Hallmark kisses with gratuitous bottom fondlings,

Denise

xox