EX HUSBANDS ARE LIKE WEDGIES

Hello there Dollies!

I am just recovering from an atomic wedgie that Cherry gave me last week - she really is a funster! Luckily I only wear the smallest of lycra gold strings so the damage was minimal but it got me thinking...

I have been married 7 times - each one glorious, each one memorable. My current husband Mervin Knox was also husbands 3 & 5...like Richard Burton & Elizabeth Taylor we just can't seem to stay apart! It may have something to do with his elderly mother's ill health & the gold mine she is sitting on in Kambalda WA - run by her company Gold Fields the St Ives mine has had a very successful run of late & it would be such a shame if she passed over to the great geriatric home for nasty old biddies & left that gold mine for Merv to run on his own. My mother told me never to marry a Scout leader & she was right! He is virtually never home, clutters the hallways of Goldlands with egg cartons & pieces of string & sings stupid Adventurer type songs all around the yard while he clips the topiared koalas & kangaroos on my lawn. Thank Gold he goes away alot. He cramps my style when he's around & none of my other boyfriends want to meet him so that suits us all FINE!

But back to the wedged piece of gold metallic stretch fabric caught in the crevice of my small buttocks...I can still feel that it was there & yet it's physically gone - just like ex-husbands. They leave us women with children that look like them, Readers Digest subscriptions that like a dog returning to its vomit just keep popping in the letterbox...they continuously send letters of palimony & just refuse to go quietly. Is it just me or does everybody's ex-husbands want to come home? If I let them all in there just wouldn't be enough room for my Zumba lessons in the dining annexe or the fondue parties where I run a little game involving guests car keys & a big bowl...ahhhh Golden Memories.

So just like an atomic wedgie I am laying in wait for Merv's mother to kick the bucket at St Ives & then I am going to KAPOW like the exposive I am, taking it all with me! *evil laughter & finger twiddle* You'll regret the day you had the affair with Deirdre from Urunga Merv Knox! You my dear will be my most persistent yet satisfying wedgie to get out!

Love, butt flossing & happy thoughts of Merv's mother (who never liked me) supine in a mahogany box & giviing me her gold mine & its chattels,

Deniiiiiise xox

GOLDEN SHOWERS

Will this rain ever end? *rolls eyes* Honestly, poor old Cherry has a hard enough time keeping up her bewdy regime with me always stealing her thunder (& her concealer) without having to contend with the frizzy hair this weather brings!

She looks like this

only not as feminine...Poor Cherry.

I have been sitting here all day in my leopard print nest watching her as she furiously tries her hardest to paint my toenails. She has fingers like the fat sausages one of my husbands Merv buys whenever he runs a sausie sizzle for the Scouts movement. Large, full of meat & a bit hard to stick in a big bun!

So here's a glass raised for all these lovely showers we're having here on the east coast of this beautiful continent Australia! It's good for the garden, & it gives the neighbours here at Goldlands a break from having to see Cherry Holden out on the front lawn hosing the plastic pink flamingoes in her nanna onesy that always gives her a wedgie. 

Love, snuggles in the big bed & a twinkly toe wave from me,

Deniiiiiise

xox

COUNTRY GOLD

Adam Harvey fillim clip - Denise & Merv

Is there anything lovelier than a film set on a Sunday morning? Honestly, I love my sleep ins almost as much as I love my Footy Franks but Sunday just gone was a corker of a day! The sun was shining, the sky was blue, & my 6th husband Merv & I were arksed to be in a music video for a bloke called Adam Harvey. I think he may be related to Harvey Norman or Joyce Mayne...well that was the rumour on set, but to protect the innocent (no-one on the set let me tell you) he changed it around a bit & burnt all the pix of Joyce RIP. I don't think he REALLY had an affair with her. That would be sick. No-one should sleep with people who have passed over, but that's another story...

So to your right you'll see a beautiful portrait of Merv & I. There were lots of little pavilions set up with different themes, all offering some marriage counselling for couples who might just need some va-va-va-VOOMING! There was a spiritualist shaking her bellydancing bells with crystals & incense, a tent with a special electrical device that could be plugged into a drinker's brain if your thirst was impacting your relationship...there was a good gold fashioned psychologist & there was even some Yogalates to help spice up the most dreary of dead bedders. A great time was had by all. Merv wasn't so keen but in true assertive style I dragged him along. He's happy to go anywhere with me as long as I let him put his hand on my backside so he was in Heaven. It's a shame he can't seem to make his manhood work so well these days - he doesn't think it's a problem but as any lady will tell you - a hard man is good to find. Sorry Merv, no sorry, but I have three words for you...LITTLE BLUE PILLS, and I'm not talking Phenergan. A lovely man on set who was no stranger to age induced ED spoke some words that were so poetic I could have sworn Baudelaire had risen from the dead...he said, & you can use this at your next family function when Uncle Ray's getting saucy..."it's like putting an oyster in a parking meter."

Golden memories...the magnificent auteur Duncan Toombs shot the piece with his many helpers & extras - a highlight was seeing the travelling musos do take after take with their little legs kicking up & down about 50 times...Merv & I were well looked after with minders holding parasols over me to ensure I didn't freckle up, & a dedicated moustache brusher named Lisa who attended v-e-r-y carefully to Merv's hairy curtain. 

So Dollies keep your eyes & ears out for Adam Harvey's album - it's sure to be a hit with Merv & I. And if it's not - well we might just have to release some of our home made videos shot in 1994 which were quite heady in their day, & when Merv still had lead in his pencil. 

Love, koalas ahoy & jamborees,

Deniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiise

xox

PS if only Merv could still dib dib dib, dob dob dob...but that's another blog all of its own.

I'M BAAAAAACK...

Hello Dollies! *bellowed with exuberance*

Heavens to Betsy (& Cheryl & Shirley) I feel like a new woman! It's true I have been underground since returning from the Big Golden Delicious of New York City, but you must understand that a woman as attractive & young as me requires q-u-i-t-e a long recovery period, & I'm not talking reproductively! Boom boom!

Speaking of such things Cherry informs we have been inundated AGAIN with requests from the Happy Pappy & Colonic Clinic (which has airs & graces & wants to extend its services into the 'assisted reproductive' arena) for some Golden Eggs...No, Nurse Ratchet I do not want a 'delicate nano-hose' up my fallopian tubes, no Dr GG as much as I know the world wants lots of little Golden Nuggets drag running on the earth's surface I just can't come at the idea of you harvesting my essence so that you can help thousands of couples enjoy the bliss of me in miniature...at least not for the paltry sums you've been offering! What do you take me for? A fool? (Double the amount & throw in some free 'happys' & 'colonics' & perhaps we can talk).

So, I'm back. My body returned 3 weeks ago but I think my brain arrived this weekend. It was such a relief to feel back to my old self that I took Cherry overseas to the Stockton Caravan Park for some 5 star holidaying. I KNOW it seems wanton & wasteful to throw so much money away but have you TRIED the Chinese at the carpark there? We had a ball. It felt JUST like the first time we met back on the 1989 Thailand tour I was doing, while she was undertaking some final gender make over issues...Gold Times, Golden Memories indeed...

The weather this weekend on the east coast was, let's face it, UNDER PAR, but the company was brilliant, at least for her, & I've never enjoyed the thrill of grand slam winning so much in the areas of Scrabble, 2 Handed Patience & Go Fish. Cherry just can't take a trick, quite literally I'm afraid & the large whiteboard I had installed in the annexe is a testament to my brilliance at all things 'gamey'. We played inside those four walls (& I use the term loosely) for 3 days solid...oxygen levels got low late Saturday but we opened up the ceiling vent in that 'cemented to the ground' Viscount van (only the best for us!) & it was like a breath of fresh air. Almost.

Things reached fever pitch Monday morning when we went to return to Newcastle & found the Gold Charger had a flat battery. We'd been cooking jaffles on the engine most of the weekend (playing cards & board games is just SO exhausting) so perhaps Cherry should have been a little smarter when it came to turning the key to OFF when she'd finished doing her Master Chef impression with baked beans, Tip Top white loaf & grated cheddar. Honestly, I would open up her position but whenever I mention I may need another personal assistant she breaks out in hives & needs an emergency Phenergan Milkshake...I guess I am just so easy to work for! She sent a homing pigeon to her Dad at his backwater cabin in Wauchope (technology is not his friend) & within a short 14 hours whereby I flogged her senseless at Snap, he arrived with his mobile mechanic ute & started the old girl up again tout suite! It's not WHAT you know, but WHO you know my friends! We made it back to Goldlands with AC-DC blaring & I hopped into bed knowing it had been a memorable Long Weekend fit for a queen. I was feeling so pregnant with happiness & relaxation that I let Cherry unpack all of our gear whilst watching an old beta video of Prisoner. I know it probably makes me weak, not a strict enough boss, but sometimes I think it pays to give the 'help' a little gift, throw them a bone...it was the episode where Doreen gets new overalls & Lizzie only smokes 53 Ardath in a 4 hour period. Riveting stuff!

Well it's been lovely hearing from me no doubt, I hope your Looooong Weekends were as fabulous as mine & that you got to stare out the window into the greyness outside, witnessing Mother Nature at her finest, soft muted clouds rolling in over water *Mull of Kintyre starts playing on 'nearly in tune' sopranino recorder* 

I promise to write again soon but in the meantime remember - as my dear friend & A grade celebrity Simon Townsend whispered as he was fumbling with the zipper of my maroon velvet Corfu jeans (the change pocket, he needed to buy a newspaper) 'The world really is wonderful'.

I think of him & Woodrow often. Usually when Cherry is singing actually, but that's another story...

Love, meaty bones with gravy, fabulous Queen's Birthday memories & special Gold cuddles,

Deniiiiiiiise

xox

GOLD'N BROWN

What a night! *kicking off new skyscraper heels with zippers & buckles all over them*

I can't believe the time I am having here in the old NYC...one thing isn't going quite as planned however & that was my mission statement when I left Australia that I would be finding Husband Number 9! I have been having such a whirling adventure with the gay men of the the city that I just haven't had the inclination to find him! Which brings me to a fine point indeed - I think I might set my sights on marrying a gay man. The benefits are endless, with only a small minor detail to iron out along the way!

Last night I went to a faaaaabulous club called MARIE'S CRISIS. I set out not drinking but after 3 champagnes with 'the boys' I abandoned that notion & it was HELLO DOLLIES AHOY! Marie's Crisis, for the uninitiated is the most amazing concept for a bar - there is a gorgeous pianist called Adam who sits at a piano and gives it.his.all.

His all I tell you! He has e.v.e.r.y libretto ever written from e.v.e.r.y musical you can name & he sits there playing while the ENTIRE BAR sings along. I couldn't help myself. For a tenner in his jar you get to do a solo. I hoisted myself up on top of the bar (which apparently no-one had ever done before...I am a trailblazer what can I say?) & sang Broadway Baby as if I was channelling Bernadette Peters herself, only I did it much better & looked alot slimmer. I got thunderous applause which I'm pretty sure prompted me to smile at Adam & say "can I do another one?" & my memory is foggy (drink 7 by then) but I seem to recall him saying "no", even though I could SENSE he really wanted the whole bar to clear out & for me & him to have a little showtune party of our own...I reckon my dear friend Mr Kavanagh could run a little outfit like this back in Newcastle - that man is a music theatre jukebox...

From there I stumbled next door to a jazz club where the place was absolutely swinging! A truly inspiring woman called Georgia Brown had the audience in the palm of her hand like I've only ever seen once before, that was with the late & great Miss Su Cruickshank. Georgia had every person off their bums dancing & her style was so strong & so bewitching that naturally I decided we should be best friends immediately. In the break we shared a drink, hugs, she gave me her cd & I gave her some advice of my own re bewdy & hair rituals. She was very appreciative I'm sure! She has her heart set on coming to Australia so maybe Down Under will get to experience the Sweet Georgia Brown effect...

*yawwwwwn & biiiig stretch* Well I must away, it's 3.15pm here in Chelsea, New York & I have a date tonight with the city & need to soak my feet, pop the rollers in my hair & fill the delicate gullet with some food,

In spite of having the trip of a lifetime I miss you Australia & in only 2 more sleeps I am getting on the flying kangaroo back to your inviting shores. I know that you are all missing me terribly too...

Love, lots of hangovers & tender hugs to you all,

Deniiiiiise xox