I have been in rehab now for close to ten months. It's been amazing. I have learnt to love frozen yoghurt, plastic cutlery & group therapy sessions that involve kicking through the ashes of gold glitter addiction...it's a very real and under reported mental illness & I for one think that if someone has to raise awareness about this dangerous proclivity, however attractive it may seem - well, it may as well be me. As you can tell my ego has not taken a hit like most addicts will attest to when trapped within the walls of rehab. But that's just me - I am teflon. Nothing negative can stick to this glittering mortal coil!

I also wish to thank you all for the millions of letters and postcards. I have read them all. Well, Cherry has read them out to me when she visits. Which is every 4 minutes...

I would answer them but I have been strapped into this gold 'safety' jacket for months & am writing this with a bendy straw in my pursed young lips. Cherry says her bursitus is playing up & can't write to you all regardless of my pleading. Personally I think she is just being difficult. It is a trial. But it's what I do. I just. Give.

Here is a little video for you to watch - and please...think of me.

Adieu.

*straw drops and slight stream of dribble with star burst glistens*

I glove ypou a;ll *buzzes Nurse Ratchet to place straw into 27 3/4 year old lips*

xox

Deniiiiise

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T67wmsEaYcE

I said go-go-gold!

Yes I've been rad but when I get there

I'll fo-fo-fold

I've laid out the sailor dress ready

Cherry is taking Phenergan

So on board she can keep her feet steady

Sala's will look like the Love Boat

A lei on arrival & all

The fare will be hearty just like a real cruise

I promise we'll all have a ball!

So come in your 80s finery

Glittery, sailory, hot!

I'll be my usual glamorous self

And Cherry her usual, not!

Join us for deck games & drinkies

Music & songs will be jolly

I'll be waiting for handsome sailors

Underneath the gold holly

So come on board, come one, come all

Help bring in January 1st

Cherry & I & a special guest

Will successfully knacker your thirst!

So see you there Dollies, come up, say hello

Sing-along, make you some merry

Merry Christmas to you & to all whom you love

Sparkly hugs, me & Cherry

xoxox

By Denise Gold aged 27 ¾. Again.

Isn’t it great to win a CONDA?

Isn’t it grand to be on show?

The face paint, the spotlights

The costumes, the applause

I want to own a CONDA

Not just take a look at yours

Hey!

Isn’t it great to win a CONDA?

A cabinet all gleaming full of gold

You learn your lines & focus

And you give it all you’ve got

I want to own a CONDA

Just to prove I’m smokin’ hot!

So tell your friends & family from the rooftops

“I wanna win a CONDA” yes I do

I’ll polish it at night time & keep it sparkling clean

And I’ll take care of my CONDA trophy too

Wow!

Isn’t it great to win a CONDA?

Isn’t it divine to be a star?

The companies, rehearsals

The chorus line of folk

I want to own a CONDA

If it sends me bloody broke

Isn’t it great to win a CONDA?

Isn’t it elite to say you’ve won?

The wings of glass are subtle

And the golden shaft is grand

I want to own a CONDA

See it resting in my hand

So tell your friends on Facebook & on Twitter

I wanna win a CONDA yes I do

I’ll practise if it kills me, & I’ll dance until I’m trim

Behind my hands I’ll whisper ‘why’d they give them all to him?’

I’ll cross rough seas to get one & I’ll ignore every whim

Each obstacle before me will be met with a firm chin

If I have to spend 4 hours daily in the local gym

Ken Longworth, hear my plea because my chance is looking slim

The theatre tree is healthy but I’m hanging by a limb

So join with me in voice & let’s all sing the CONDA hymn

I won’t rest until I get one

I just really, really want one

I’m just desperate for a CONDA ballyhoo!

She flew there on a 'plane

The trip was slightly bumpy

They landed in the rain

The food was hot & spicy

She scared the cabin crew

The captain asked 'Where's Cherry'

They said 'She's Vindaloo'

You're welcome!

xxx

Denise

PS Last word from her was late last night...she had been stapled into the wooden crate with a 22ft Ganesh statue & will be landing in Sydney in about 35 minutes.

Hope her tummy is on the mend!

In keeping with my new wont here is a pohem to kickstart the idea.

Read into it as you will.

PS it's your shout!

GOLDSIDE

A pohem by Ms Denise Gold

Aged 27 3/4

I want to be a lawyer

I think I could go far

I see myself in leopardprint

Addressing all the bar

So if you're in some trouble

Just call me, I'll be there

But especially if you're 25 with a hot surfer body, tribal arm tattooes, shoulder length thick brown locks & an unfortunate affliction which has rendered you mute but drop dead gorgeous - no verandah over the playpen & a healthy ticker...

Written by Ms Denise Gold aged 27 ¾

August 18, 2012

Saturday, Saturday, is there a fatter day?

House cleaning, shopping & fun!

Fresh eggs to scramble & papers to read

Long coastal runs to be run

Lawn mowers roar as their spark plugs get petrol in,

Coffee machines gurgle steam

Children find cardboard to slide down grass hills upon

Life is ‘être en abyme’

Relos are visited, routine resisted,oh!

Saturday, can we be wed?

You can plump pillows & potter about

While I keep my tootsies in bed

If you are needing me, don’t come misleading me

Please address me, if you please

As ‘Ms Denise Saturday’ Hostess of Glitter Way

Just past Gold Crescent-on-Leas

Oh Saturday, Saturday, ‘it doesn’t matter’ day

Bring me my slippers & pipe

I’m pretty sure soon I will leap out of bed

To see what is with all this hype!

So if you come by my way, pop in for lemonade

Pink as the birds on my lawn

The astro turf’s just been hosed, Cherry’s made salsa

The baby pool’s filled up with prawns!

Then again, toasty is feeling quite heavenly...

P’raps I will just stay this way

And contemplate life in the flannelette sheets 'til

Saturday turns into Sunday



Well cock-a-doodle do dah day! Here is my latest bush poem - I recited it at my last Monthly show - as I am on the warpath, I mean 'look out' for husband number 8, I got to reflecting on my past loves. I've had many husbands, some of them have even been mine...& I have loved, well at least, known, every gentleman I have had the pleasure of spending time with.

Enjoy!

MEN, MEN, WHERE DO I BEGIN?

Robert was English & stuffy

John was a man of his word

Boris was Russian & burly

Dave was a bit of a turd!

Daniel was built like an outhouse

Steve had some issues 'down there'

Jasper had flat feet & acne

But hugged like a strong grizzly bear!

Stuart was manly but quiet

Jonathon? Cheery & bold

Brain Drain Wayne from Abermain

Was the first to my Pot O'Gold

Brett was a runner, so tricky

To pin down for dinners & dates

Justin was clever, but boring

Lindsay would self medicate

And who could forget Flash Barry?

He was truly a wonderful chap

He moved to Scandinavia

To orienteer with a map!

And now here I am looking forward

To meeting husbear number eight

He'll be handsome, young & virile

And no problems with the prostate!

So if you know James, Wal or Albie

Or Simon or Bernard or Rex

I'll pass on those, I think that perhaps

A Roger is what I need next.

Who says you can't leave the house on a Monday night? All welcome!

Love, cartwheels & wet willes in your ear with a devilishly wicked grin,

Deniiiiiise xox

Dear Gold Botherers,

It is with a criminal sense of Aussie pride that I announce with fanfare - Denise Gold Industries is dedicating the June 4th 'Denise's Monthly Variety Show' at the Queen's Wharf Brewery to the Australian Wallabies Rugby Union team!

The boys will land in our fair city sometime Monday June 4th, the VERY day I will be popping on my best Chrissy Amphlett costume & entertaining you with the BEST of Aussie music! How long has it been since you've heard live versions of music featuring solid greats from The Divinyls to Cold Chisel? ACDC to John Farnham via Peter Allen?

Pop along for songs, my very own game-show-a-go-go with local sporting guests including the wonderful basketball freak of nature Butch Hays, celebrity interview (yet to be revealed!) & more...it's my favourite show YET!

And here is my latest Bush Poem ready to be recited at the show...

*ahem*

DENISE'S ODE TO THE WALLABIES

I love this island girt by seals,

I love our landscape, bold

Our roos & wombats, Wallabies

I love the ‘green & gold’

Big men in shirts, their muscles taut

I must confess I’m sold

I’ll brave the air tomorrow night

To watch the ‘green & gold’

The rugby Scotsmen must be scared

To face our team, extolled

For who would brave a ruck with our

fine team in ‘green & gold?’

Our boys are holed up somewhere nice

Tonight, or so I’m told

My ‘phone’s on silent just in case

They want to meet some Gold

And what’s a maul between close friends?

Who needs to be cajoled?

I love our Aussie sporting greats

Who wear the ‘green & gold’

Our survey stats reveal to me

That when you all were polled

There’s just no doubt, it’s crystal clear

You love the ‘green & gold’

So here I send out words of pride

To our fine Aussie fold

Our Wallabies will do us proud

The mighty – ‘green & gold.’

Love, footy franks & plenty of rucks & mauls!

Deniiiiiiise

xxx