Monday
Apr292013

Sighting bound to freak nurses out!

Ms Gold, previously thought to have spontaneously combusted during a stint in rehab for glitter addiction, has been allegedly sighted at Waratah Kmart.

The giddy eyewitness said,

"Oh my Gold! I couldn't believe it was her...it looked like her, the stiletto heels sounded light and feminine JUST like her & in the half light streaming through the 'Big is Beautiful' section I could just make out her long natural lashes. I still wasn't convinced until she grabbed the microphone from the red light special girl and sang 'I'm too sexy' until she got the pantyhose for half price."

What is going on? HAS Ms Gold returned from a pulverised end? Or in a twist to rival Days of our Lives DID Ms Gold plan her own false death only to return in time for the Australia's Got Talent callbacks?

Stay tuned Gold Botherers,

Seamus McWerk

(Head of Snooping)

 

Wednesday
Jan162013

DENISE GETS SET TO BREAK HEARTS AGAIN

Word on the street is that Sala's at Warners Bay were so impressed with our Golden Girl's performance NYE that they have booked her & her band for a HUGE Variety Show on Valentines Day this February 14th. Already in training to meet husband number 8 Ms Gold is enduring lip crunches & stilettoed jumping jacks to be in tip top shape for her audience on V Day!

Looking for love or just want to look at someone dazzlingly bewdiful?

Come along & enjoy a gameshow, meet a celebrity guest, hear Denise's rockin' 4 piece band & be ready for anything!

Signed,

Miss Cherry B. Holden

(I won't be in that show. Ms Gold says I am much more valuable that night rearranging her Razzamatazz drawer)

Tuesday
Sep112012

CHERRY'S PIGEONS

Word on the street is that Cherry B. Holden has taken up pigeon racing.

Inspired by her fabulous transformation into 'clerk of the course' yesterday at Flemington, for the Australian Melbourne Cup, she arrived home at Goldlands with a burning desire to get into the world of high flying (ke ke ke) competitive animal sports!

As you all know, Denise's father Roald, (who has been a resident of the Cessnock Correctional Centre for 3 score years & 4) is an avid pigeon breeder & gets ALOT of his tipping advice via these 'rats of the sky' for the TAB he runs from Cell Block G.

So if you see a little pigeon flying above you with DGI branded onto its breast & tiny gold tassles on the end of each primary covert you'll know you're witnessing poetry in motion!

Watch this space for future announcements of Cherry's upcoming pigeon racing - working title is GOLD WING!

 

Wednesday
Jun202012

A BIRTHDAY MESSAGE FROM DENISE

Here is a link to what I honestly believe encapsulates my raison d'etre! Well..it is my birthday after all!!! Please...crank back your Smoky Dawsons...& enjoy...GLITTER & BE GAY!

Thursday
Jun072012

DAME EDNA IS COMING TO NEWCASTLE!

 

Well the latest news here at Goldlands is that I AM VERY EXCITED!!!

1. Dame Edna is performing her Eat, Pray, Laugh show here in sunny Newcastle June 29th through to July 1st as part of the Barry Humphries Farewell Tour!

2. I have looked up to Dame Edna for many many years - her understated fashion, her restrained ladylike ways - I have always said that one day she'd have to retire & Australia would need another high class diva!

3. I have Miss Sandra whipping up a costume RIGHT NOW to pay homage to this quintessentially Australian ambassador of haute couture & iconography!

You see, there are many similarities that Dame E & I share:

She has Madge, I have Cherry.

Madge had a sad loss of her own husband in New Zealand's boiling mud, whilst the couple were on their honeymoon, while Cherry lost something else quite vital to *coughs* men on one of her trips to Thailand. Let's not touch on that one!

Dame Edna has style, I have grace.

Her salutation is 'Hello Possums!' & mine has always been 'Hello Dollies!' (I think she copied me actually but who's to split hairs when she's this close to retirement?)

Her mother is incarcerated in a "maximum-security twilight home for the bewildered", Mother Mary Gold is in the Gold Peoples Home & my Dad Roald is STILL in the Cessnock Correctional Centre (due for parole again soon).

Her husband Norm died in 1998 & they had 4 children together (although Lois went missing as an infant from a campsite & they suspect a 'rogue koala' took her), whilst I have 7 husbands & NO children. Well, none that I know about but you do hear some stories where people find children they never knew they had so I live in fear really!

DEE (as I like to call her privately) has 'wisteria hued' hair & I have 'spun gold'. 

She has petite gamine tootsies, & so do I.

We both sing like famous Australian crooners - she like Kevin Bloody Wilson, moi like Dame Joan!

See the parallels are frightening. I suppose the biggest difference is that I have never been a housewife & she knows what it feels like to wash dishes & starch shirts...something I will never know. Oh well.

See you at the Civic Theatre Friday, Saturday AND Sunday! I'll be the one wearing gladdies in my hair!

Love, sparkles, mauve wigs & 'face furniture',

Deniiiiiise xox