A FLASH COCKTAIL

Flash's telex has come through at last...although I am not sure I have this right!

THE FLASH COCKTAIL

(ingredients)

TF2 spray lube

Tri flow liquid

Iron filings

Blue Curacao

Lemonade (Soda Stream preferably)

A Weight Weenie pump to transport it in

(method)

Spray lube around pump. Make sure to spray it on your lips too.

Mix iron filings, the tri flow liquid (which has a VERY pleasing scent) & the Blue Caracao in a blender that has been icing up in the freezer. When mix is frothy & the magnets in your house are starting to move around turn off the blender & pour into WW pump. Lick the residual mix left in the blender & dispose of it in wheelie bin (in Hazmat lead sheets).

Using a thin siphon, pour lemonade into pump and give the handle a few goes to pressurise the contents.

Pack pump on your mountain bike, head into the Glenrock State Recreation area for some dirt moving & stop at regular intervals to re-enact the Solo man ad with your Weight Weenie pump cum thermos. May be administered intravenously. 

Note - doing this may have an effect on your social life but your lips will be as soft as a baby's bottom.

The FLASH COCKTAIL...brought to you by Flash Barry...

Signed,

Anon

GOLDEN TONSILS

Denise Gold Industries have taken their 'phone off the hook due to multitudes calling to ask what is in the latest, yet to be revealed  'FLASH COCKTAIL'? 'THE DENISE' cocktail has been SUCH a success, that in the 24 hours since the recipe hit the internet Liquorland has announced it is going into receivership with Ferrier Hodgson called in to liquidate. Makers of match heads have expressed disappointment that they weren't given notice that their stocks would be depleted & Kevin Rudd smsed Cherry asking where the nearest bar in Canberra was that served these delightful concoctions. Cherry smsed back "nXt door in Julia's office,  BYO straw". I think we're going to see an interesting turn in Australian politics over the next few days - all thanks to 'THE DENISE'...remember, you read it here first...so onto 'THE FLASH'.

DGI DISCLAIMER

Don't try this at home without safety goggles, asbestos underpants & flameproof gloves...it's just coming in by telex now - Flash is tagging some electrical appliances up at Raymond Terrace & he's sending the formula through...the message is coming...it's broken...it says...it says...surely this can't be right?

Stay tuned folks...Flash seems to be having a...MELTDOWN? (Too many Denise cocktails? AND it's not even time for elevenses...tsk tsk tsk)

The Editor

NOBBY'S CATWALK

Cracking across the Editorial desk here at Gold Industries, sending dustmites into the golden rays of sunshine is the news that MDG will be practising her deportment & swimsuit section for 'Miss Newcastle Showgirl 2010' on the Nobby's promenade & breakwall today...

Please, if you must bring recording devices do so with a modicum of respect for Ms Denise Gold...she is, after all, just a human (we suggest a honking 200mm lens with a large hood, photographers jacket with multiple pockets & safety vest with PRESS blazoned across the back with phosphorus stitching).

Editor in Cheek,

Denise Gold Publishing Department.

PS Lucky the Mr Whippy van is often there.

WILD GOATS, GIGANTIC BULLS & BEEFY WOODCHOPPERS...

This piece of paper was just found crumpled & torn in the wake of a buxom blonde woman leaving Newcastle Showground 8 minutes ago.

Investigations reveal that it is an excerpt from the Newcastle Showgirl 2010 entry form...verbatim ladies & gentlemen...

We are looking for the following:

• Someone with a friendly personality, who will be able to mingle with people attending the Show and meet official guests.
• A confident person who will be able to place sashes on event winners, such as strong wild Goats, gigantic Bulls, gorgeous Miniature Horses, cute and cuddly Maltese Terriers and beefy Woodchoppers.
• She must be able to talk clearly while wearing funny earphones as she is being interviewed.
• She should have good deportment to allow her to competently get in and out of dodgem cars and assorted ride cages for photo shoots.
• This person will be an ambassador for the Show and will need to be able think on her feet as she is asked where the nearest Ice Cream van is situated.

Signed,

Editor-in-Chief

Gold News

GOLDEN GLOBES

Ladies (& out of condition gentlemen...) I bring you the latest product I am considering bringing into the Gold Fold of Hair & Bewdy products...not sure who made this little promotional video but it looks suspiciously like Cherry...

DENISE'S LATEST VENTURE - GOLDEN GLOBES from Lauren O'Brien on Vimeo.