THE GOLDEN TURTLE

MDG was sighted yesterday storming out of a well known sporting shop with coat hangers & plastic bags akimbo, athletic detritus trailing behind her. She banged into one of our spies here at the Golden Eye Agency & murmured a low gravelly 'Do beg my pardon' but it was clear she had been crying.

Under interrogation the salesgirl Sophie admitted Ms Gold had been locked accidentally in the change room bay number 3 with a collection of lycra items & severe fluorescent lighting.

A nasty little man was heard telling her she resembled a 'zeppelin in a condom' to quote one Ms Jennifer Saunders.

Ms Gold is now in her shell & we are not sure how to coax her out.

All attempts have failed so far, including the enticement of a ride on a float at Mardi Gras, chicken schnitzels with Diane sauce & a stunning Viking masseur named Erik.

Please, we need your help.

Yours,

Stephen McSnoop

Director of Private Investigation Services @ Golden Eye

GOLDEN DELICIOUS

Spies here have noted that our Golden Girl is looking a little more...like an apple than a pear these days! Is this a 'baby bump'? Has Ms Gold decided to have her own progeny rather than employing her usual method of getting her assistant Cherry B. Holden to act as surrogate?

Or could it be, as we suspect, that Ms Gold is packing a few more kilos these days due to her gruelling running regime with Alphonse? The more she runs it seems the more she needs to up her calorie intake. She's been seen scoffing hamburgers, schnitzels, carbs galore!!!

Anyone with some low fat cooking ideas please send them along to Cherry tout suite. Miss Sandra is growing tired of letting out the seams of her underpants.

Yours,

Skinny McSlimster

GOLD BUNNINGS

Hello,

I saw MDG in the hose section today at Kotara Bunnings.

She was doing something that looked a bit liked cartwheels, but as I was in the timber department it was a little hard to make out precisely what she was up to. I was holding onto some long wood at the time so didn't want to turn around quickly for fear of taking someone's eye out.

I applaud Bunnings for their forward thinking in supplying entertainment for their shoppers. And MDG looked really cute in her pinny with her hair pulled back.

Yours,

Jack Offenbach

(Retired Waterways employee)

PS If I'd have had my Leica with me I would have snapped off a few.

ICE GOLD

I'm pretty sure I just saw Ms Denise Gold in'verybad'cognito coming out of Waratah Kmart clutching a box that contained an inflatable baby pool with palm trees. The Gold Charger then pulled into the Donald St servo & the woman in question, (wearing a high cut leopardprint onesy) bought 4 bags of ice.

I could be wrong. But who else does burnouts when it doesn't look like anyone's watching?

Signed,

Maurice Baumgartner, Georgetown

THE GREEN & GOLD

A buxom blonde dressed in a high cut leotard sequined to billy-o has been sighted whooping it up in the back of a Holden ute lined entirely in plastic from the Bunnings garden section & then filled to the brim with water from the Grahamstown Dam.

The vehicle was sprayed in a lovely shade of Apple-o-rama.

The fenders had little glittered Hermesesque wings fluttering & the 'drag show on wheels' was seen doing burn outs on the lawn of the Newcastle Foreshore. Two security men (large) had to dive for cover into the duck pool, & a St John's Ambulance Officer has received treatment for injuries to his eyes.

The chevy drops (apparently) can crank 200 horsepower through the wheels.

Casks of Golden Gate Riesling were being thrown willy-nilly from said ute as said chanteuse was heard to belt " Great Southern Land" at the top of her impressive lungs (which bystanders clock at a conservative 12DD).

Who COULD this mystery lady be?

Signed,

A concerned bystander.