The giddy eyewitness said,

"Oh my Gold! I couldn't believe it was her...it looked like her, the stiletto heels sounded light and feminine JUST like her & in the half light streaming through the 'Big is Beautiful' section I could just make out her long natural lashes. I still wasn't convinced until she grabbed the microphone from the red light special girl and sang 'I'm too sexy' until she got the pantyhose for half price."

What is going on? HAS Ms Gold returned from a pulverised end? Or in a twist to rival Days of our Lives DID Ms Gold plan her own false death only to return in time for the Australia's Got Talent callbacks?

Stay tuned Gold Botherers,

Seamus McWerk

(Head of Snooping)

Looking for love or just want to look at someone dazzlingly bewdiful?

Come along & enjoy a gameshow, meet a celebrity guest, hear Denise's rockin' 4 piece band & be ready for anything!

Signed,

Miss Cherry B. Holden

(I won't be in that show. Ms Gold says I am much more valuable that night rearranging her Razzamatazz drawer)

Inspired by her fabulous transformation into 'clerk of the course' yesterday at Flemington, for the Australian Melbourne Cup, she arrived home at Goldlands with a burning desire to get into the world of high flying (ke ke ke) competitive animal sports!

As you all know, Denise's father Roald, (who has been a resident of the Cessnock Correctional Centre for 3 score years & 4) is an avid pigeon breeder & gets ALOT of his tipping advice via these 'rats of the sky' for the TAB he runs from Cell Block G.

So if you see a little pigeon flying above you with DGI branded onto its breast & tiny gold tassles on the end of each primary covert you'll know you're witnessing poetry in motion!

Watch this space for future announcements of Cherry's upcoming pigeon racing - working title is GOLD WING!

Well the latest news here at Goldlands is that I AM VERY EXCITED!!!

1. Dame Edna is performing her Eat, Pray, Laugh show here in sunny Newcastle June 29th through to July 1st as part of the Barry Humphries Farewell Tour!

2. I have looked up to Dame Edna for many many years - her understated fashion, her restrained ladylike ways - I have always said that one day she'd have to retire & Australia would need another high class diva!

3. I have Miss Sandra whipping up a costume RIGHT NOW to pay homage to this quintessentially Australian ambassador of haute couture & iconography!

You see, there are many similarities that Dame E & I share:

She has Madge, I have Cherry.

Madge had a sad loss of her own husband in New Zealand's boiling mud, whilst the couple were on their honeymoon, while Cherry lost something else quite vital to *coughs* men on one of her trips to Thailand. Let's not touch on that one!

Dame Edna has style, I have grace.

Her salutation is 'Hello Possums!' & mine has always been 'Hello Dollies!' (I think she copied me actually but who's to split hairs when she's this close to retirement?)

Her mother is incarcerated in a "maximum-security twilight home for the bewildered", Mother Mary Gold is in the Gold Peoples Home & my Dad Roald is STILL in the Cessnock Correctional Centre (due for parole again soon).

Her husband Norm died in 1998 & they had 4 children together (although Lois went missing as an infant from a campsite & they suspect a 'rogue koala' took her), whilst I have 7 husbands & NO children. Well, none that I know about but you do hear some stories where people find children they never knew they had so I live in fear really!

DEE (as I like to call her privately) has 'wisteria hued' hair & I have 'spun gold'. 

She has petite gamine tootsies, & so do I.

We both sing like famous Australian crooners - she like Kevin Bloody Wilson, moi like Dame Joan!

See the parallels are frightening. I suppose the biggest difference is that I have never been a housewife & she knows what it feels like to wash dishes & starch shirts...something I will never know. Oh well.

See you at the Civic Theatre Friday, Saturday AND Sunday! I'll be the one wearing gladdies in my hair!

Love, sparkles, mauve wigs & 'face furniture',

Deniiiiiise xox

Ms Gold is the model for this week's THE DRAWING ROOM session at Newcastle's Royal Exchange, Bolton St Newcastle.

She has Miss Sandra airing out the slinkiest outfits & fluffing feathers in the backyard sunshine here at Goldlands.

Not since Manet's 'Olympia' has there been a woman so curvaceous, so winsome, so naturally beautiful that the RTA has given her a defect notice for dangerous curves...

Bring your sable brushes, bring your conté crayons, bring your Crayola caddy...bring your trowel.

Bring your truck, bring your trailer, bring your wife & SAVE! (Sorry...got carried away.)

See you there,

Seamus McWerk

PR manager, DGI

I have just infiltrated Ms Denise Gold's rubbish bin.

In it, amongst the empty glitter tubes & old eyelashes I struck GOLD in the form of a poem she seems to have been working on, on the back of a tissue box*.

(scrawled in gold glitter eyeliner)

My name's Denise

And I wanna tell my story

Got my nephew & my niece

To help me with my glory

May 7 looks fine

For a party in the 'hood

The Brewery'll be rockin'

At least that's understood!

Got my band, got my threads

The host is on a diet

If we fill the room upstairs

There is bound to be a riot

You can eat, you can dance

I assure you there'll be fun

If you do not wet your pants

Then my work here isn't done!

Got some guests that will sparkle

Got a gameshow happening too

I intend for a debacle

I've got brand new glittery shoes!

So get down, if you're able

See you there! We're working hard!

I will spot you on the tables

With your pinot noirs & chard

So get golden, I'm Denise!

I'll ensure a night of laughter

If we don't see the police

It'll be happy ever after

So I'll sign off with a kiss

And say bye-the-bye 'til then

And a chukkas to The Brewery

For allowing me my den!

See you then Gold Botherers! Wait 'til you check out my set!

I'm like Big Kev! EXCITED! (but not dead RIP Big Kev)

xxx

PS this note has been photocopied onto acid free Arches paper & will be stored in my underwear drawer for safe keeping. Because I love her. But not in a creepy way.

Signed,

Bert Newton (maybe)

PPS here's a little ensignia I popped on Ms Gold's pillow with my head on the front. I love her so much.

*used tissues have been sealed in a Ziplock bag & will be available on eBay within the hour...

Word on the street is that Ms Gold's debut performance at the Queen's Wharf Brewery May 7th could be bigger than Ben Hur (when done on a very small scale and without the animals but WITH the same level of crazy energy)...

Behind the scenes things are frantic & the team just keeps growing bigger & bigger...this week brings a new challenge - Ms Gold's long lost twin cousins Benson & Hedges are in dance training & have asked for matching costumes to make their virgin display one that people will find VERY hard to forget for a VERY long time...

Will lycra satisfy these two?

How many sequins can one reasonably dance in?

Would feathers be too much? 

Would embroidered insignia of DENISE GOLD INDUSTRIES be OTT?

I love my job & wouldn't leave DGI for all the tea in China, even if I was paid...

Cherry B. Holden

(PA to Ms Gold)

Ms Gold just stubbed her toe on the dressing table & is jumping around the room clutching her foot.

I knew you would want to know,

Tom Peeping (Private Eye)

News here at the NAB Newcastle Regional Show, just in, is that a woman resembling Ms Denise Gold has been forcibly removed from the premises for offering unsolicited beauty advice to the Miss Showgirl contestants. Not only that, she was heard to be reminiscing about baby pigs, Ray Dineen & being occi strapped onto the back of a Holden ute in 1985.

We are talking to the Mental Health team of Newcastle now so as a community announcement, we can confirm that it is SAFE to enter the Showground environs. 

John McGill, journalist

PS come & see Brian Harrington's ducks, they really are funny *coughs, assumes serious face again*